Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
