i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
