you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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