i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
