I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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