Whod you bang
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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