Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
