I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
