listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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