This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
