i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
