im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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