birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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