She is in my trunk
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
