The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize