i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
