she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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