I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize