I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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