I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your penis caused this!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
