I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
