I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
