I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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