Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
