It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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