there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
