I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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