Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
