I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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