I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
