she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
