I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
