Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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