not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
