So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have already put on my inside pants.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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