put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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