how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
