Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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