can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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