I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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