I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
