I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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