Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He told me they were just razor bumps!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
