After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
