i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
