Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
