i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just found puke in my bra..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
