At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My pussy is not your playground.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
