the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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