The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize