Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize