thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
