Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
