you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
