I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
