piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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