My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
