i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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