and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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