i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize