I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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