My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
