this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
