just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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